On an Editorial Review of Little Put Upon Sisters

Sally writes in a layered literary style. She believes literature allows for complex truths to live and breathe. This is something which is increasingly rare in a world dominated by the black and whites, prejudices and over-generalised assumptions of social media. Sally uses many literary references in her writing, but with reading on the wane across society, and with the literary scene now flooded with dumbed-down literature - a trend which is being worsened by the invasion of AI - not all of Sally’s literary references are instantly recognisable by a wide audience as they would once have been. Personally, as a reader of Sally’s, I find this doesn’t matter. the compelling imagery of her writing is such that even without some of the references, I am drawn in and can revel in the sensory visualisation of her stories. And if I am particularly puzzled by any reference I come across, I can always look it up and read the book it comes from.

Sally’s essay Little Put Upon Sisters is a very personal essay is carefully framed through literary characters and literary lenses as a way of honouring the lives of the children she grew up with and continues to live alongside.  

Here are some comments Sally received from one set of editors:

*The narrator is believable, apart from a few moments when tone, context, or tense use confuses the reading.

*Clarify the narrator’s perspective/point of view/voice in a few key places and use tense/tone to help clarify. This is where readers consistently get lost or lose belief (between childhood and adulthood). Distinguish the child’s internalised prejudices from the adult narrator’s understanding, particularly in descriptions of Ivy and the labels applied to girls. Example: Rather than “Lisa is just a slag.” Use “Everyone calls her a slag” or: “I heard them call her a slag.” or: “She is known as a slag.” Instead of “Ivy is S.E.N. as we said then” —replace with — “They said she was S.E.N.”

*Tone can throw readers off: Reword or remove “But I feel for them”, which seems initially cold — one interpretation was “I feel sorry for them” — which can read as patronising rather than empathetic. The next paragraph is more emotive and says the same thing better. Likewise “she didn’t have the brains I had (a genetic accident)” which readers found distasteful and “Surely real beauty does not need special effects?” The sex sells bit also sounds to some ears to be suddenly preachy, rather than lived or felt. Suggestion: start paragraph: “To sashay your hips, to pout your lips…”?

*In the first paragraph, cut the sentence “the sort thrown together” to “1980s”. This cuts out the “preachy” voice and retains the vulnerable one, which readers were craving more of throughout.- Get rid of bold font (is this ours or hers?).

*In the paragraph starting “All my life” three different tenses are used. The next paragraph uses simple past tense, the one after that uses present. Important question: Is tense confusion intentional, should we edit for it? For example “They will beat her” then “And I thought” (Is the narrator not thinking now?) Simple example of a fix: remove “and”.

*Refine the use of literary reference. Suggestion: keep Goblin Market as the principal literary framework, with Christie, Brontë and other writers supporting the central story, but reduce the number of “name drops” which do not move the story along and overpopulate the mind with minor characters who are not doing anything. Readers who have not read a particular book or encountered a certain character have no reference to associate with the name. Keep literary references which include a bit of context, such as quotes (the quote lives “in the mind” of the narrator, and can also live more easily in the mind of the reader). For example, just referencing “Miss Marple” and then moving on will automatically alienate anyone who has not educated themselves by reading Christie. Using a quote within the text gives them a flavour so at least they can imagine and be enriched by the reference being used. 


*Name drops to remove: “A poor little mite Miss Marple would say” — either remove or elaborate with a quote. Remove Aristocats and 101 Dalmations reference. Remove Cinderella (cliché). Remove Queen Isis paragraph. Remove Rossetti, or use a quote directly. Remove Mr. Rochester and David Copperfield from the very end.

*Could this story have another title? Suggestions: “Care”, “The Wall”, “My Lost Sisters” etc. There was a suggestion to include loss more explicitly in the title, which is neither here nor there.

Sally decided to honour her intentions and to leave the essay in its original, more complex form.

[This post was written by Sarah Frideswide, poet and marketing manager]